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HaloTheProtectorOfInnocent
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Name: Big C
Birthday: 9/1/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Sword fighting, martial arts, complex medical analysis, seemingly unsolvable mysteries, and sleeping
Expertise: Anthropology, giving intermediate medical diagnoses, solving complex mysteries, armed and unarmed combat.
Occupation: full-time student/baby sitting
Industry: N/A
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Yahoo:  xdemonbringerofchaos@yahoo.com
Member Since:
2/4/2007
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| What is the will to move forward? Is it the preacher on the street crying to the masses to save their wretched souls from the flames licking at the their heels as they dance amongst the devils, is it the mass of people crying for justice in a land where corruption and greed are law and the rich grow richer and the poor grow poorer, is it here in the hearts of men or out there in the voice of the people. We are all a little frightened to move forward and leave behind what we are already comfortable with and sometimes we let that fear keep us from moving forward. However progress can only be made if we're willing to take that step forward and risk losing what it is that we already have for what it is that we need. Change, courage, understanding, compromise, and wisdom are the only means by which we can attain a new self which while not held down by the weighted chains of our pasts grows stronger from it's weight and holds itself up better because of them. This is not redemption, nor revolution, nor radical reform, this is the will to move forward, this is the will to survive, this is the will of the heart and soul of the all, and the will of the mind and body of the few. We need to keep moving forward, we have to keep moving forward, stopping is to accept defeat, every minute spent living in defeat is a lifetime of dying,the will to move forward is the will to live and I'll gladly die having tried to live rather than have spent a lifetime doing nothing but let myself die. I will move forward... | | |
| Been a while don't have time or much to say but I figured I'd drop by and leave a new message.
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| So as most of you know and as much as it pains me sometimes to admit it I'm single, and while the majority of the time I just deal with it or rather just find myself to be content with it there are times when I begin to think it sure was nice back when I was together with such and such. One of those times came about four weeks ago when I was in my weight lifting class, kind of a weird place but hey when you get that feeling you get it. So there is a girl in this class who shall remain nameless who I started talking to because well I thought she was kind of cute and I was kind of in the mood to try and humor my "I should get at least try and get a girlfriend" thoughts. She's a very nice girl, biology major pre-med senior year and she generally was okay with having conversation; I'll note that I'm not the best conversationalist, I'm a bit stiff, the words don't always come out of my mouth the way I want them too, I overthink everything I want to say way too much, sometimes just don't know what to say at all, and have no real inflection to my tone. She put up with it for two weeks and seemed to have come to an understanding by the third week that that was just the way I spoke and that how I feel, what I mean, what I'm trying to communicate, and often times what I'm trying to do are very different then what my voice and words are implying. She told me that she thought though I seemed a bit awkward (intense was the word she used; everybody says I'm intense for some reason) and a bit quiet but that I was generally a really nice and caring guy and said that I was fun to be around (though that usually included moments during class or times where I'd occasionally see her walking in the BSB), she also told me I was cute and of course I was a bit embarassed because I'm actually a very shy guy (anybody who's known me for more than 10minutes knows that). I waited a week after that trying to decide should I ask her out or not (indeciveness is a bad habit of mine) and was going to do it last tuesday, I knew she didn't have a boyfriend and she told me she had wanted to see a movie the thursday before so I was like cool I have the perfect set up scenario. As I was saying though I was going to ask her tuesday but happened to see her monday and after a brief hi and general rabble of the day I asked "Hey 'shall remain nameless' I remember last week you said that you wanted to see 'Devils' but didn't want to go by yourself so I was wondering if you're not busy Friday evening maybe we could see it together?" There was brief pause and the next question that came out of her mouth frightened me, "As friends or as in like a date?" I said what I thought was best though when I think about it now it was kind of a weak answer, "Which one would you prefer?" She paused again and said, "Friends, don't get me wrong though you're nice, I think you're cute, but I couldn't see myself dating a guy who isn't white." I paused waiting for some sort of laugh but didn't get one, all I got was this creeping feeling of disgust inside of me as I asked, "Are you serious?" She nodded her head and said "Yeah my dad and mom would get pissed and it just kind of doesn't feel right, you know." I didn't know how to feel I mean, in the back of my head I had been preparing for rejection but just not of that kind and not for that reason. I canceled the movie plans obviously though I played it as "remembering" that I would be tutoring late that friday night which she took with understanding. To be honest right now I feel kind of hurt about it, I mean to loose a chance for a relationship hurts but to loose it not because of a disability on my part but because my skin color is not white, it just really hurts inside. I'm really confused about this and want to feel something other than shame and sadness about it but just can't, I'm really beginning to wonder the point in all of this and wish I had never worked up the courage to even try and ask a girl out. I didn't really deserve that did I. | | |
| So as most of you guys know I have returned back to Baylor for my senior year of classes, those of you who know me even better know that this isn't my last year as alas because of my indeciveness in picking my major for my first two years of college I will stuck here an extra year to year and a half. Well at any rate I'll start off by saying that I'm already enjoying my classes: Genetics with a lab, Physics with a lab, Organic Chemistry, American Constitutional Development, and Intermediate Weight Lifting. Everybody keeps on telling me that I'm going to have a difficult semester with the teacher I chose for genetics but she seems nice and from what I've been hearing as long as I just study I should be fine. The first day of classes was not too much different then I expected going over the syllabus, introductions and all that cool jazz and I'm hoping that the rest of my semester will be that easy; it never is that easy but a man can dream. I'm somewhat liking my new apartment suite, it's cozy, it's spacious, it's upstairs, and I have my own room with a door and lock, bathroom with shower, and two closets; the room with a door is more than I had at home, the rest just makes me happy. I really do like it but still don't feel somewhat comfortable yet since I have the usual difficulties of getting to sleep and such more than normal whenever I move to a new place. My roommates are pretty cool, I have three, one of which is the same from last semester the other two are friends I had before who visited Scotland during their last semester to study abroad. Once again it is nice expect that it's not in that good a neighborhood, some of the floor tiles are busted, and our front door looks like somebody took a battering ram to it...the walls are a little thin too; I got home before everybody else yesterday and closed my door and i awoke to the sound of one of my roommates having relations with his girlfriend, not that he didn't have his door closed it's just those walls were thinner than I expected...it is going to give me nightmares that his girlfriend was the quiet one *cringe*. I'm enjoying my life back at college so far and this weekend I'm trying to talk my friends into either going cliff diving or playing a game of D&D whichever is easier or if they want to do both I suppose I could do that too. Any way have one more class today before I go home and take a nap so peace out and I'll try not to forget that I still have a xanga site. | | |
| So saturday I had my test to see if go up to the next kyu for the karate classes I've been taking; I've only been taking the class for about five weeks and normally you only do it after three months of training so I was nervous and still am since I won't know til this saturday whether or not I passed. At any rate that's not what this post is about well not exactly anyways. The type of karate I take is special in a lot of ways in that I am expected to know all the moves and movements in english, spanish, and japanese (spanish is only included bc my teacher naturally speaks it so it helps to know it) the second way is that you are expected to kick, punch, and move in a certain way (to be expected) the third reason is the physical conditioning part which apparently a lot of other karate schools don't make you do according to my sensei (don't know if that's true or not seeing as I've never really been interested in karate until my mom signed me up for it). It's the third part that leads me up to the topic today and before I say anything I will say this is not my sensei's fault it is my fault for forgetting my shoes and my fault especially for going on despite the pain. So part of the physcial conditioning for our test is being able to run me going from white belt to yellow belt of course mean I only have to run 3/4 a mile, do X amount of push ups and crunches and then I'm a go for the other parts. Push-ups and crunches if you know me are of course no problem and after taking a running class at Baylor where I ran for an hour straight without stop 3/4mile distance is nothing...except I forgot my shoes and the track outside was really hot. My teacher offered to let me not do it but that would've been a mark and with only two mistakes allowed for the whole test I wanted to save them up in case I forgot something like a certain movement or performed bad during the sparring. The other guy a yellow belt going to orange belt nodded at me and bc he knew I had to do it did it with me bc he didn't want to see a friend suffer like that while he got it easy; he also got blisters by the way. The rest of the test was murder as since a lot what I learn from white to yellow and for that matter what my friend was learning to yellow to orange involved heaving foot movements. At the end of it we both came to the conclusion never ever run barefoot outside like that again and went on our way both of us not too sure if we passed after are shot performances bc of the pain of our blistered feet; our sensei did say he would be understanding about it though and that if made us feel any better when he was learning his sensei made him do the same except where he ran laps there wasn't even a path. My friend got his blisters taken care of yesterday since he was smart enough to switch to running into the grass at some point which made his a little more manageable while mine however needed to wait until today about two hours ago when they were finally in a condition where I could drain them. Sweet jesus it hurt to walk until then and now while the constant pressure and burning sensation is gone they just feel sore now with still a slight bit of burning...I will never run barefoot on a track made of material that conducts heat as well as whatever they made that track out of ever again, I will never forget my shoes again and I will never for as long as I live walk on feet that have been made to hurt like this ever again.
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